Curing Colds
by wiltingflowersandpinkribbons
Summary: Second in the Cures Series. Owen has a cold. The team has a cure. Jack has a creul mind. This cannot end well.
1. Colds

We don't own the characters, only the situation

_We don't own the characters, only the situation. _

**Dedication:** To our beloved John Barrowman.

**doctor-who-fangirl: **Hi. Well. This here is the second instalment of our Cures series. It carries directly on from the last one (hiccups) if you have not read that one then go read it…NOW!! Anyway. We got slightly carried away writing this one, so we had to cut out many ideas we had just to fit it and get this posted BEFORE wiltingflowers goes off on 'holiday' to the middle of nowhere. This story is dedicated to John Barrowman…for the…thing.

**wiltingflowersandpinkribbons: **Finally!! It's done!! YAY!! Now – to all the people who reviewed, thank you!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!! We love you all . . . . . . well . . . . I love you all, I can't say much for the other two . . . . Now. We unfortunately can't post anymore until after I go on my trip. I'm going off in a couple of weeks to central Australia. I'll be gone for four and a half weeks and will be, for the most part, out of contact with EVERYONE. So for that I am really sorry, but we'll try and get the sequel up as soon as we can. Oh and I'd like to expand on the John Barrowman . . . thing, but I can't under pain of death. Damn. Thank you again to all who reviewed and enjoy!!

**Sazza-da-vampire:** I'm not allowed to expand on the JB thing either. However, I can say this: THANK YOU FOR THE REVIEWS FOR HICCUPS! DWF and I will try to write a bit while pinkribbons is in the red centre, but… well… it's not the same with only two of us to input ideas. So, we won't be posting the next one for at least a few weeks. Sorry!

If you haven't read Curing Hiccups, this will still make (a bit of) sense. But it's better to read Hiccups. Because then you'll know just WHY this is how they are trying to cure a cold.

_._

**Curing Colds**

**By dr-who-fangirl, wiltingflowersandpinkribbons and sazza-da-vampire**

Owen was afraid. Very afraid.

Today, which had promised to be the most pleasurable day of his week, was turning sour, very quickly.

"Umm Jack. You know, I'm not that - sniff - sick." He grumbled, sniffling loudly.

"Sure you're not?"

"Positive." Another sniffle.

Jack pulled himself to his feet, using Tosh for support.

"Ouch!"

"Sorry Tosh. Okay, so you're not so sick? Fine." Owen breathed a sigh of relief as the rest of the team turned and began to walk away.

"AAA-CHOO!!"

Jack spun around, his expression very smug. "Not so sick, eh?"

Owen attempted to look healthy as all colour drained from his face and he tries to wipe the long trail of mucus from his nose with his jacket sleeve.

His attempt failed. Miserably.

"You know what's best when it comes to coughs and colds? Chinese food. And I happen to be a great cook." Jack turned and grinned toward Ianto. "Can you get me an onion from the Alien Flora Room?"

"We don't have any Jack."

"Those blue slimy things will do. Now, I need to go and consult my private stores."

Owen gulped, this could not be good. Tosh tried to reassure him.

"Don't worry, he won't kill you. You know how much he hates paperwork."

"Oh. Thanks Tosh. Really lovely of you. Such a comforting thought."

.

"Where is it? Where is it? WHERE – aaahhhh. Here we go."

Jack pulled his upper body out of the monstrous pile of junk that he had accumulated on his 100+ years on this planet. In his hand, he clutched the skin of a reticulated python which had murdered him no more than three years ago.

Grinning Evilly, Jack turned and left the room.

Owen looked in disgust at the thing that Jack was currently trying to hand to him.

"What . . . is . . . that?" He realized as soon as he had said it that he honestly _didn't_ want to know. Jack had emerged from his office holding what looked strangely like a snake skin and wrapped the slimy, oniony, blue-green thing in it. As Owen took it in his hands he could feel it moving as it oozed blue goop from the holes in the wrapping.

"Well," said Jack. "Tuck in!" He said it as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

"NO FUCKING WAY JACK!"

"What? It's not like its alive or anything. Besides – I'm your boss; you've got to do as I say. And it's only fair after what you put me through."

"He's got a point there you know." Gwen backed him up, "I mean, you did put him through unimaginable pain and torture."

"OI! You helped!"

But as much as he protested, Owen could see from the stubborn looks that his team-mates where shooting him that they would not back down. He could either eat this stuff voluntarily, or he could be forced to eat it. It was his choice.

So, after deciding that he should at least have some control over his impending doom by who knows what means, Owen doubtfully lifted the . . . _thing_ . . . towards his mouth, squinting to avoid looking at it. Wincing, he bit down hard on the reptilian skin.

And then the oniony-thing started screaming. Not just any old screaming either. No. This pod thing began emitting super-sonic waves of high pitched whistles.

Owen howled in pain. His head felt as though it was about to explode and he was sure his ears where bleeding. His hands immediately clenched into fists and before Owen could even register what was going on, the bluish onion pod thing had shot out of its wrappings.

The screaming ceased as it shot like lightning into the nearest wall. Looking up, Owen saw it bash into three more walls before ricocheting of the third wall and straight into his head.

"Jack." Tosh sounded slightly concerned. "What exactly _is_ that thing?" When the blue thing had collided with Owens head it had split open – crawling down the now knocked out Owen's chest was the most hideous, hairy animal that Tosh had ever seen.

Jack looked at it, puzzled.

"Oh my god! I thought it looked familiar – that blue thing was exactly the same as the Raxicoricofallapatorian egg – except without the tentacles! Wow. That thing must be from the sister planet of Raxicoricofallapatorius. Amazing." Jack watched the tiny alien's progress in awe.

"Yeah, alright Jack . . . what's the sister planet of Raxi-thingo-something?" Ianto's confused voice broke Jack out of his daze.

"Raxicoricofallapatorius. And that thing is from its sister planet, Klom. It's a baby Klominite! . . . No, Klominite sounds stupid… Absorbaloff, that's what it is. A baby Absorbaloff."

"And Jack, why do you call it an Absorbaloff?" Ianto inquired, feeling quite alarmed, he wasn't going to like the answer Jack gave him. He could feel it.

"Because it absorbs people at the first touch of skin . . . oh . . . shit."

"Well hurry up and get rid of it!" Gwen screamed, running towards Owen, and aimed a kick at the little Absorbaloff – instead of flying through the air away from Owens unmoving form, the alien latched onto the toe of Gwen's shoe, only a few centimetres from the bare skin of her ankle.

"GWEN COOPER – YOU DICKHEAD – IMAGINE WHAT RHYS WOULD DO TO ME IF YOU GOT ABSORBED!" Jack's furious screams woke the unconscious Owen, who looked around wide eyed at the chaotic situation that his teammates – unaware of his awakening – had managed to land themselves in.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU JUST DID THAT! I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR WELL BEING AND IF ANYONE IS GOING TO GET ABSORBED IT WILL BE ME!" Jack continued to scream at Gwen.

"Jack."

"AFTER EVERYTHING THAT I'VE TRIED TO TEACH YOU . . ."

"_Jack!"_

"YOU STILL DISOBEY ME! AND -"

"JACK YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY HELPING ARE YOU?!" Ianto finally managed to get through to Jack. He alone seemed to be able to calm the Captain down when he flew off the handle like that.

"Sorry." Ianto glared furiously at Jack – who looked away, trying to keep the colour from creeping into his cheeks.

"Ummm . . . If I may interrupt – I appear to have a small, ugly, people absorbing alien crawling towards my ankle and I would really appreciate it if you could just – OW!"

"Owen! What did you do that for?!"

"I got rid of it!"

"Yes." Gwen whimpered, clutching her swelling foot, "But in the process you destroyed Tosh's laptop and _broke my foot!"_ In his hands Owen held Tosh's laptop, now dripping with blue goop – with a huge crack running along the top cover.

"Oops." Owen said, examining the laptop, "Sorry Tosh."

Tosh honestly looked as though she was about to cry. "My laptop . . ."

Owen sniffled loudly. "Sorry." Another sniffle.

"In the name of all things TARDIS – _use a fucking tissue Owen_!!"

sniffle

"AAARGH!!" Jack screamed in frustration.

Ianto was beginning to be concerned for Jack's mental well being. First he was having screaming fits and now he was making up words. What the fuck was a TARDIS?

"Jack," Ianto began, "Maybe you should sit down and have a soothing drink or -"

"_HE _SHOULD HAVE A SOOTHING DRINK?! _HE_ SHOULD HAVE A – _I'M_ THE ONE WITH THE BROKEN FOOT HERE! HELP WOULD BE VERY MUCH APPRECIATED! BUT _OH NO_! DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME! HE'S _OBVIOUSLY_ IN A LOT MORE _PAIN_ THAN I AM!"

Owen looked exasperatedly at Gwen's hobbling form, "Yes well, _you_ don't appear to have mental health issues, like out dear boss over there. Now, are you going to continue limping around pointlessly? Or could you possibly move to the side a bit so that I can go get you a bandaid or _something_."

Gwen glared at the medic, but moved away to leave the path clear. Owen then proceeded towards the medical lab, slipped on a pile of blue goop, fell over, and knocked himself out. Again.

"OH MY GOD!" Jack screamed, "HOW MUCH OF A WALKING DISASTER CAN ONE PERSON BE!!" Tosh picked up a fire extinguisher and knocked him over the head, effectively rendering him unconscious.

"There, that's better, a bit of silence. Now – we need to fix your foot."

"Tosh, I don't think that's going to work, since both our medic and our boss – the only two people who know what to do – are currently lying unconscious on the floor."

Gwen listened nervously to Tosh and Ianto's conversation, wondering what they were going to do in order to fix her foot. Jack had better come around soon and rescue her; her foot was too smashed up to run away.

"Well, we could just move the bones around and bind the foot and hope that they're in the right place . . ."

"No, Ianto," Jack groaned, sitting up slowly, "I'll fix it. And thank you Toshiko, my headache just went away – so you hit me with a fire extinguisher and give me another one!"

"Oh, yeah, sorry about that. But you know, I can't be held responsible for my actions. I was distraught. He broke my laptop!"

Jack groaned as he pulled himself to his feet and staggered towards his office, muttering under his breath about clumsy medics and people who got attached to inanimate objects. Gwen took the welcome distraction as a chance to hobble over to Owen's desk and steal the bottle of whiskey he kept in the bottom draw.

"What?" she said in response to Ianto and Tosh's questioning looks. "He broke my foot! If anyone deserves to steal his booze, it's me!"

She slumped down into his chair and pulled the cork out of the bottle with her teeth, spitting it into the wastepaper basket with unnerving accuracy.

"So what do you think Jack's going to do?" Tosh pondered aloud, "You know, about your foot?" A large bang sounded from behind them, causing all three of them to jump slightly. The bang was followed by a string of what was presumably swear words – although they appeared to be in an alien language – and what sounded like an avalanche of junk crashing to the floor.

The team froze.

"Help!" Jack squeaked.

Gwen, Tosh and Ianto immediately abandoned the unconscious Doctor Harper, and ventured into the carnage that was Jack's office.

If Gwen had been in less pain, she would've joined her colleagues rolling on the debris-covered floor in laughter. As it was, she simply groaned.

"Do I even _want _to know?" she directed towards the largest pile of rubble, which she assumed her boss was buried under.

The living pile of junk shifted slightly and let out a groan.

"I was just _trying_ to help." The muffled voice said. All Gwen heard was 'trying' which made no sense whatsoever.

"Right well, where exactly are you?"

"Mmmhmm bmmbhhm. Lmmkummjjmm box mjmm hmm of glasbian hmm tubes."

"Right . . . all I caught was box of Glasbian tubes. What the hell are Glasbian tubes?"

"Mhmm hmm"

"What?"

"The purple-ish thing," she managed to decipher.

"I don't see any purple-ish thing Jack."

"Well," came Jack's loud, slow voice, "The pink-ish thing then."

Gwen searched around for the object of his attention, as Ianto and Tosh attempted to pick themselves up form their giggling fits. Ianto tried to steady himself by grabbing an alien thing in the pile of alien . . . things. His action caused a shift in the monstrous mountain of stuff which resulted in a precariously perched bottle labelled 'Bohoomian Healing Balm' to tip and cover the entire pile in a thin, sticky, pink liquid.

"Jack?"

"Yeah?"

"There are a lot of pink-ish things all of a sudden."

There was silence.

"Gwen?"

"Yeah?"

"Should I be worried?"

"I don't quite know yet. Never mind. What where you doing in here anyway?"

"Nanogenes."

"Nanogenes?"

"Nanogenes."

"_What the hell_ are nanogenes?"

"The jar of goldy-coloured glowing dot things about two metres to my left."

Jack's statement was hard to understand through the pile of junk, but the team definitely understood that he was looking for something mouldy-coloured and glowing.

"Oh these?" Tosh said, as she picked up a large jar.

Jack, who could not tell whether she had picked up the green bees or the yellow nanogenes, just said, "Yeah, the goldy ones. They'll heal your foot. Open the jar."

Tosh, Gwen and Ianto all thought that he had said 'mouldy' again, so Ianto opened the jar of the large, green, glowing . . . things. Which promptly exploded with green bees. All of which seemed to have a problem with Tosh, judging by the way they were ferociously chasing her around the hub.

Ianto set about finding that fire extinguisher again; to spray the bees, while Gwen frantically tried to remove the alien things burying Jack.

.

When he was eventually free and the bees were unconscious on the floor, much like the sick medic, Jack reached into the pile of junk a couple of metres away from where he'd been buried - only to snap his hand back with a hiss of pain, and a drop of blood on one finger. He reached into a different place with the other hand and withdrew a jar of glowing yellow things.

"THIS is what I meant. Glowy, GOLDY, dots in a jar."

"We thought that you said mouldy," Ianto informed him defensively.

"Oh. Okay, that explains it," Jack muttered distractedly. He sighed, rolled his eyes impatiently and mentioned for Gwen to sit down in his chair. Once she had taken her seat, eyeing him nervously, he opened the jar of the randomly-glowing things.

"See?" he said, as the glowy-things floated gently around his hands. "Nanogenes. Not Barcelonian Bees. And I mean the planet Barcelona, not the city. The dogs there have no noses."

Suddenly, he clicked his fingers towards Gwen's resting foot. Gwen's and Tosh's eyes widened as the nanogenes flew towards her rather disfigured foot and began to hum and slowly wave their way around the broken bones. A few seconds and it was all over, the nanogenes fading away into nothing, their job done.

Gwen cautiously tested her now pain-free foot and found that, miraculously, it had healed. A relieved smile broke onto her face.

"Thank god! I was so terrified that those things were gonna give me the same treatment as those bees gave Tosh!"

"Speaking of bees," said a voice from behind them, making Tosh, Gwen and Jack jump, "What are we going to do with these babies?" The trio turned to see Ianto leaning in the doorway. The tea boy seemed completely unsurprised to see the recently hobbling Gwen up and about again as if nothing was wrong, in fact, he seemed far more interested in inspecting the glass jar which he held in his hand. The jar contained possibly a hundred green, glowing bee-things, each the size of a large marble, and stacked on top of one another. A few of the bees were beginning to twitch and roll as they began to make their way back into consciousness after their fire-extinguisher-induced slumber. Five or six had even begun to fly around in rather dazed way, often bumping into the glass walls of the jar or each other.

The four of them stood and looked at the jar for a second, each one considering the possibilities. It was Tosh who spoke first.

"You know Jack. Some people believe that bee and wasp stings are therapeutic. People use them to cure illness. You know. The flu, stomach bugs, colds."

The rest of the team looked at her in awe.

"That's genius Tosh," Jack said, taking the bees off Ianto. "Pure genius."

.

Owen had woken up in a lot of weird places. Handcuffed to the steering wheel of a speeding car with no brakes, in the sewers, in the basement of an Indian Restaurant run by cockroaches . . . but all of those times had one comforting thing in common. He had always had his team on his side to back him up. Or get him out of trouble. This time, when he woke up in the quarantine room underneath his own office, he wasn't so sure.

"Jack? Why am I here?" Owen yelled apprehensively.

"Well . . . . because I'm a little bit pissed off and you were the easiest target. Oh yeah, and I have a headache – from being knocked out by a fire extinguisher, sore back from being forcefully beaten by you, my painkillers are beginning to wear off and _you _have a cold that needs curing."

"O . . . o . . . okay . . ." Owen stuttered. He gulped loudly and attempted to banish the horrible worried feeling that had settled itself in the pit of his stomach. "Umm, b-but Jack. Umm, wha-what exactly are you planning to _do _to me?"

When Jack's voice came through the intercom Owen could _hear_ his boss's evil grin.

"Well . . . are you allergic to bees Owen?"

"No . . . why?"

"Good." He replied, ignoring Owen's question.

.

Ianto leant back in his comfortable chair, grinning evilly as he watched the CCTV live feed which Tosh had set up all around the hub.

On big screen televisions of course.

With multiple recorders hooked up to them.

Owen was currently sitting on the floor of the empty room, trembling in fear, and Ianto saw Toshiko's small hand on the side of the screen, throwing the jar of bees into the room.

Owen just stared at the angrily buzzing insects, before tentatively saying, "Jack? What exactly are they?"

Jack's voice responded, "Doesn't really matter."

And then the bees attacked.

.

Jack walked into the main Hub with a bowl of popcorn. "Shove love," he said, plopping down beside Ianto to watch the action.

From the autopsy bay, where Gwen and Tosh were enjoying the view, came Gwen's gasp of horror, quickly followed by Tosh's cheers – for the bees of course – and then the crash of the flimsy table which could obviously NOT support the added strain of her jumping on it.

Jack and Ianto, of course, ignored all this in favour of watching their 'esteemed' colleague losing to the bees.

.

An hour later, after thoroughly enjoying the show (and Jack's . . . company) Ianto was beginning to feel concerned for the medic, considering Owen's skin had turned lumpy and a rather alarming shade of red. "Jack. I think we should let him out now."

"Why . . . I was having _fun_!"

"You're enjoying his pain?"

"Yeah. So are you. I'm not letting him out." Ianto gave Jack 'The Look'.

"Aww . . . Yan, you know I can't say no to that face!"

"Yeah. Duh. Why d'you think I use it? Now let him out."

Jack grumpily turned to the screen, intending to enjoy the last few moments of Owen's pain.

"Umm, Yan . . . I don't think we need to."

Ianto followed his boss's gaze to the screen. Which was currently white. Not because the power had cut out, but because the room was full of gas.

Through the mist Owens teetering figure could be seen, until with a dull thud, he fell to the floor, no doubt landing painfully on bees.

When the mist cleared, Gwen could be seen dragging the unconscious medic out by his collar.

From the Autopsy bay, they heard Tosh complain. "Aww, Gwen."

"Gwen Cooper to the rescue." Ianto commented, getting to his feet, "Coming?" Jack didn't move.

"I wanted to watch him being chased by the bees a bit longer." He raised a hand, "Yan, pull me up?"

.

Tosh came grumbling out of the autopsy bay, and Gwen came up the stairs – still dragging Owen by his collar, and pounding his head on the stairs as she went.

Jack aimed a kick at Owen's midsection but the medic was pulled away by the other three. It was then that Owen woke up.

"Aww, thanks guys. I didn't know I was that popular!"

He was promptly dropped on the floor. "Ouch!" he commented dully, sniffing. "Jack. What. . . the . . ._ fuck . . _. did you do _that_ for?"

"The dropping or the bees?" Ianto asked.

"I thought that it was obvious." Gwen commented.

Jack ignored them. Owen ignored them. Tosh raised an eyebrow.

It was then that Owen noticed the CCTV hooked up (to every screen available), the abandoned popcorn on the floor and – most embarrassingly – the slow motion automatic rerun playing on one screen.

Tosh ran to it. "Ooh, I love this bit!" she said, and then they all watched – one of them in horror – as Owen ran from wall to wall trying to smash the bees between his body and the walls.

Jack didn't meet his gaze. "Honey's . . . . good . . . for colds?" he tried. This was met with one very hard glare.

"I . . . . HATE . . . . you." Owen suddenly sneezed again. "Can I take sick leave now?"

"NO WAY MATE!" Jack yelled.

"Why? I still have almost all of my sick leave to use!"

"Because _you've_ still got a cold and_ we're_ not out of ideas to cure it."

"We're not?" Gwen asked.

Jack looked pointedly at both Tosh and Ianto. "Well?"

"Ummm," Tosh thought, "My Mum always used to say that the only cure for a cold that actually worked was time, although it's annoying you have to just put up with it."

"Ianto?"

"Well . . . there was that old folk's tale. Spit in a frog's mouth to cure a cold."

"Gwen, Tosh, find a frog. Pet shop, creek, I don't care, just find one!"

Neither woman moved a muscle. "Jack. We're in Cardiff. And it's the middle of winter. We're not going to just find a frog anywhere around here," Gwen pointed out.

"Another amphibian?"

"Forget about it and let poor Owen go home?" Owen tried.

"NO!" four voices shouted at him.

"Tosh," Owen whined, "I though you were in favour of time!"

"This is funnerer."

Owen descended into muttered blasphemy and curses while the rest of Torchwood Three planned his upcoming doom. First a snakeskin-wrapped 'onion', then bees, now a frog? What next?

"The only amphibians which live in Cardiff are the Great Crested Newt, the Smooth or Common Newt, the Palmate Newt, the Common Frog and the Common Toad," Tosh informed the other three conspirers.

"Try and find a newt?" Gwen suggested.

"Good luck," Ianto told her.

Silence reigned for a moment, in which Owen started to become slightly less worried. This was false hope though.

"Do we have anything amphibian here?" Ianto mused.

"The Absorbaloff…" Jack suggested.

"Dead, I think," Gwen argued.

"Well, Weevils are kinda amphibian . . ." Tosh voiced.

Owen's howl of shock, disbelief and fury echoed through the hub when he saw the light which had entered Gwen's eyes. Maybe whacking that Klominite/Absorbaloff thing wasn't such a good idea after all. Obviously her revenge wasn't over with the Ba-thingy-an Bees incident.

It took all four adults to get Owen down to Janet's cell.

"It's okay Owen," Jack said as he struggled to push Owen closer to the cell entrance. "You'll be fine! At least you're not covered in chocolate sauce!"

Owen, apparently not appreciating Jack's particular brand of humour, turned and took a swing at his boss, who ducked and continued pushing Owen towards the cell which Janet was currently standing inside of, looking extremely menacing.

"Please!" Owen begged, looking to Gwen and Tosh, who were the most likely to support his plight, "I'll do anything! Just don't! Please don't! She'll kill me!" The girls simply ignored his pleas and continued shoving him towards the looming entrance of Janet's cell.

"Well Owen," Jack said cheekily, as his face broke out into an evil grin, "I'm sure you won't be in there long enough to get yourself killed. I mean, all you've got to do is spit in her mouth."

Owen gulped as he took in the sight of Janet's long white fangs, dripping with saliva. He was a goner.

"Shit." he whispered. And on that note he was pushed, kicking and screaming, into the cell.

.

The delicious smell of pizza came wafting through the door of Ianto's shabby little gift shop, making the teaboy visibly relax. After quickly paying the delivery man, and impatiently waving him out the door, Ianto headed through the secret door in the wall, down the damp corridor, down the elevator and through the giant rolling door of the hub, all the while balancing 7 pizza's, 5 garlic breads, 8 packets of spring rolls (which the pizza shop had grudgingly agreed to pick up for them – for a generous sum), a collection of alcoholic drinks and a whopping 4 family sized cheesecakes. After all, they'd been torturing their work colleagues for almost 18 hours non stop now – they were hungry!

The crew's laughter echoed of the walls of the hub, and when Ianto dumped his large pile of food onto the coffee table so that he could actually see what was going on, he began to understand why.

Tosh had hooked up the flat screens and recorders which had been put to use in the Barcelonian Bees incident to the surveillance in Janet's cell. The result was Gwen, Tosh and Jack all rolling around on the floor in fits of laughter as a large screen projection of Owen watching Janet warily, keeping his back to the cell wall, and leaping out of the way whenever she lunged for him. Every few moments he would shout out to his team-mates for help, and they would in turn ignore said pleas.

"FOOD!" Jack's scream broke Ianto out of his daze. All of a sudden three pairs of hands were attacking the large pile of food that Ianto had just lugged in. Soon, the four of them were happily sitting on the sofa, munching on deep fried food and washing it down with good servings of grog. Although the members of the Torchwood team appeared to have no worries about causing their medics imminent demise, a flashing red safety button, which would fill the cell with gas and knock out both Janet and Owen, was lying not quite forgotten, to Gwen's right. Jack, after all didn't really want Owen dead. It would mean Jack would have to go through the annoyance of having to find a new Medic, and Captain Harkness was far too lazy for that.

.

_No, no, no, no, no! _Owen thought. "No no, no, no, no!" he screamed, jumping to the other side of the cell and barely missing Janet's snapping fangs.

"Jack! Gwen! Tosh! Ianto!" he bellowed. "ANYONE!! PLEASE! HELP!" he ducked and skilfully rolled to the cell door, catching Janet of guard. Once he had reached his destination, he proceeded to hammer on the door, screaming for help from anyone at all who would hear his pleas.

He unfortunately stayed in this position for a little too long, and received a deep gash in his shoulder from one of Janet's claws as a result. Ducking and swearing, he dodged another swing and ran to the far corner, clutching his bleeding shoulder.

Was this how Jack had felt with Myfanwy? Had they all really been this cruel?

_No. _Owen decided. _That was different. Jack can't die. This is just torture. _

"Please!" Owen yelled, "At least give me something to beat her off with!"

Five extremely dangerous minutes later Jack Harkness turned up outside the door to Janet's cell, grinning maliciously as he watched Dr. Harper duck and weave the Weevil's thrashing arms and razor sharp claws in the confined space.

"Having fun?"

"Not really . . . no!"

"Well, cheer up. I brought you something to fight her off with."

Owen looked extremely relieved and ducked to the side, running anxiously to the door.

"Thank you Jack! Please, anything! ANYTHING!"

The evil grin growing even larger, Jack produced with a flourish . . . a curly pink straw. Which Owen stared at in horror.

"That's it!?"

"You might wanna duck."

He did so, swearing colourfully. Jack simply grinned some more and poked the 'weapon' through one of the holes in the door. Snatching it from his hands with a glare, Owen turned and darted through to the back of the cell, followed by a growling Janet.

After a few more tricky army manoeuvres (which Jack stayed around to watch), Owen found himself back at the cell door.

"Please Jack, please! Just let me out, I'll do anything!"

"Owen . . . ."

"Yes?" he whispered hopefully.

"I'm not letting you out of this cell until you spit in that things mouth. That's why I brought you the straw!"

Owen opened his mouth to say something else but was interrupted by a loud snarl from Janet.

"You!" he growled, turning, "SHUT THE HELL UP!" and then went right ahead and shoved the straw into it's eye socket.

.

Janet yowled loudly and insanely, her pain obvious. Owen, seeing his opportunity with Janet's wide open mouth, hacked one in her direction, and watched proudly as the ball of saliva landed smoothly on her tongue. Smiling, the Medic turned to face his boss, who stood at the front of the cell, stunned.

"Can I -" but Owens request to be let out was cut short when a royally pissed off Janet, who, straw still in eye, lunged at him from behind, dragging him to the floor.

Jack, seeing that the situation had gotten out of hand, immediately opened the cell door and ran in . . . just as, a story above their heads, Gwen pushed the panic button.

.

"So what do we do now?" Ianto asked, taking in the sight of Owen and Jack, who where **again** lying unconscious on the floor, this time accompanied by Janet.

"I think we should get her back in her cell," mused Tosh, pointing to the stirring weevil. The other two agreed with her, and pulled the animal back into its cell, removing the straw from it's eye and closing the door securely. The three then turned to asses their colleagues.

.

After deciding that they couldn't leave them down there, they made a group decision to bring them back upstairs. That didn't necessarily constitute being careful whilst taking them upstairs. Consequently, they could be found five minutes later, Gwen dragging Jack's limp body up the stairs, letting his head bang on each step as she had previously done with Owen, with Tosh and Ianto on the steps below her, arguing about the best way to carry Owen.

"Ianto! You're moving to fast!"

"Well then you just need to walk faster then don't you Tosh."

"Hey! I'm carrying more weight down here!"

"No you're not! I've got his head. That's the biggest thing on his body, thanks to his over-inflated ego."

"Just slow down!"

"It's not my fault you're slow!"

"You think I'm slow? You think you could do a better job yourself? Fine!"

And with that Tosh dropped Owens legs to the floor, causing a loud bang and leaving Ianto to fend for himself.

The bang of Owen's feet on the stairs woke Jack up with a start. Looking down, Gwen saw that her burden could now move without her help and so, much as Tosh had just done, she dropped him, causing him to hit his head on the next step with a painful 'OW!' and then bang into the wall.

"Glad to see you're up and about Jack," Gwen said, smiling. Jack looked to see that Ianto and Tosh where wearing the same all-to-sweet grins. And it was these grins that pushed him over the edge.

"THAT IS IT! I've had enough! I had little sleep last night, I got tortured all morning, killed once today, starved for hours on end, repeatedly knocked out, this little shit just won't let us cure his cold and my painkillers are starting to wear off! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! ALL OF YOU …OUT!"

Tosh, Gwen and Ianto, seeing immediately that Jack was not one to be messed with right now, turned and began making their way – quickly – to the exit.

"Not you Ianto." Jack snapped, "I've got a lot of pent up frustration and I need something constructive to take it out on."

"TOO MUCH INFORMATION!" Gwen and Tosh shrieked before high tailing it out of there, leaving Owen unconscious on the stairs.

.

The first thing Owen noticed when he woke up was the searing pain in his head and shoulder. Grasping both areas he forced himself into a sitting position with a groan. He then (after removing his shirt and making a makeshift bandage with it for his shoulder) forced himself to stand, and stumbled, sniffling and groaning, up the stairs.

Expecting a welcome party consisting of four very evil alien experts and various torture devices, Owen was surprised to see that there was no one else in the hub. That was until he stumbled forward past the couch and took in the sight of the two figures behind it . . .

Screaming and shielding his eyes, Owen ran out of the hub, but no fast enough to miss the sight of Jack and Ianto, nor to miss Jack's yell of "Owen! Get the hell out of here! AND DON'T YOU DARE COME BACK UNTIL YOU'RE FULLY CURED!!"

Thank god.

**doctor-who-fangirl:** There we go, hope you enjoyed it. The other won't be posted for another four weeks at least (sorry cyberchicken…can't help it.).

**wiltingflowersandpinkribbons:** Hope you liked it! Umm, I'd like to personally thank these reviewers: Katzie (sends you a big hug from across the globe), Cyberchicken (blows you a kiss from across the globe), Fidgette, Chezza92, Spunkinator, Kidallgrownup and Boo26 (our first reviewer!!).

**sazza-da-vampire:** I also send hugs across the world to the above mentioned, but some of you I think I'll give an actual hug on Monday after our English exam.

You should all be very proud of us – right now we are in the middle of exam block and we still managed to write this!


	2. next one's up! YAY!

Addictions is up, for your enjoyment.

Okay so some bitch has reported us for having chapter long A/N's. Who thinks that's ridiculous?? Good. At least we're not the only ones.

So Sazza found a solution: a TEASER!! :P

A/N:

SOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!

SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY

SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY

SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY

SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY

SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY

SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY

SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY

SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY

SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY

SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY

SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY

. . .

Oh, by the way, we're apologising about taking so long on the writing of the third edition. It's up now, so please don't kill us!!

. . .

Or hold our favourite celebrities captive (unless you intend to put them in jars and send them to us – in which case GO AHEAD!!)

. . .

Tosh had decided that although the events of yesterday were interesting, to say the least, she did _not_ want to be taped to a wall again. So, she pretended to get back to her work, whilst actually planning her revenge on the idiots in Jack's office. But it wasn't long before the voices returned.

"_You're a class bird. Highly shaggable." _the most horrible attempt at a British accent she had ever heard whispered in her ear, _"You don't bloody well need chocolate."_

"_It's just crap that yeh don' wanna eat. Have a curry or a kebab or. . .OWEN! What else do you people eat? . . .sommat." _it continued, in what could possibly be anything between Manchester, Italian and Cockney.

"_You don' need. . ."_

"_Jack_!!" a voiced hissed in the background, "That is the worst accent I have _ever_ heard. Stop it, right now! That is horrible!"

"But that's how you people think isn't it?"

"No! That's HORRIBLE!"

"You think you can do better Harper? Go ahead!"

"G'day mate," the voice started, turning into a horrible attempt at the stereotypical Australian accent, "Remember me? I'm yah conscience. And ah'm also a bloke. So lemme tell yah, us blokes like our ockas strong, confident and amazin'. They dun need no choc'late. So watcha think yah doin?? Go on! Git up of yah strine an stop relyin' on tha' choc'late. So, gitup, git goin' an hit the frog an' toad. If yah stick 'round here bein' all dingoes brekky over yah choc'late, you'll end up a few snags short of a barbie!! Aftah all - "

"STOP!! YOU'RE KILLING ME! OWEN THAT'S HORRIBLE!! WHAT IS THAT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE??"

"Er . . . Australian?"

"Have you even _been_ to Australia?"

". . . No . . ."


End file.
